My baby boy...

I decided to read back my previous blog entries... mainly to find some stuffs that I wrote on my Jellybean... and oh my how I used to blog every step of the journey from birth till well about 1 year... Unfortunately I have not been as diligent in regards to the journey of my baby mo... so sorry sayang...

Baby mo is now less than 2 weeks shy of turning 5 months old... and the journey has been amazing... some parts similar to jellybean and some parts easier.. yet there are times that have been more challenging...

At 4 month:
1. suck on his fingers
2. giggle and teased
3. starting to recognise faces and voices
4. lets out a loud shriek when you're upset
5. still NOT sleeping through the night...  :P
6. have something very in common with your sister... susah minum susu... *sigh*
7. baby mo senang masuk angin... or else it might be the way we gave you milk... or it could be my milk... hard to say, but this is the most likely cause of your discomfort most days and certainly seems to be every night right now... poor baby...
8. made a full body flip from back to tummy 14.6.14
9. can sit and then stand just holding on to my finger tips
10. can meniarap, well this you have been doing since you were 3 months old
11. latest thing that you have begun  to do is to slowly grasp an object that interests you... and sometimes you would pull it to your mouth...

Love you my baby... since day 1 you have been a somewhat calm baby... only troubling when you're not comfortable or hungry... you have huge round eyes and with lashes that later I just know your sister and cousin will cry for... hehehehe already I am bring stopped at shops (much to my annoyance) with people admiring you...

My Prince Charming

Oh dear...

It has been so long since I made an entry that I don't even know where to begin...

So let's just skip all or any other details and just go to the night before I gave birth to my Prince..  :)

It started out like any other week... me feeling bad and taking the day off (though I had minor contractions which I thought was just braxton hicks since it stopped after 5pm like that)... in fact on Tues I went to work and came up with a wonderful game plan till I was to give birth... I was gonna take the full 2 weeks off till my due date.. after all I just reached my 37th week.. was feeling to tired and everywhere it ached...

That night I had a spicy dinner.... it was yummy... but I woke up at 12 with this persistent stomach-back ache... kept going to the bathroom too... I was thinking... "Am I in labour?" the age old questions all mummies tend to ask when they are in denial... hahahaha... I was hesitant to make a move to the hospital.. after all, I had spicy food and this stomach ache could just be due to that... wouldn't it be embarrassing if I got sent back home because of that? :P

Well.. I couldn't sleep cause it hurts.. so I stayed up watching TV... by 3.30 am though the pain was getting to me... and I realise it may be more serious than a stomach ache when I couldn't help but moan everytime I get one of those 'waves' of pain... looking at the clock.. it was coming at 5 mins apart... ok... time to wake up Mr. Hubby... maybe a trip to the hospital wouldn't be such a bad idea...

So we made a move to arrived at PCMC and the pain was just coming and oh my did it hurt... I can barely stand... which was so different from Shiya's time (that time I prefer to stand because sitting or lying on my back hurt too much). This time was different too because I had to bleeding and my water was still fully intact. The nurse checked and apparently I have already dilated to 4cm! Another typical question... "Do you want epidural?" ahahaha "Oh, I'll tell you later." That was me trying to be brave... honestly I was thinking.. maybe I can last... Yes i can....

Back aching... crazy... painful 1.5 hours later... "I want epidural!"

And so it goes.. the process of having epi and the wait for it to take effect.. and finding that it takes quite a bit of time for the pain to get a lil numb (I don't know why but the pain doesn't completely go away for me)... was just about to relax... when suddenly this big push from inside me came out of nowhere... the pressure was intense and I was so shocked by the sudden feeling of it that I held on to the side railing.. and then... whoosh...! My water just broke... and .... there was an intense feeling pushing from my bottom... I quickly called the nurse who came and checked... I was 8 cm dilated and to make me more comfortable she gave me another dose of epi...

All this seems to happen and time flew but in my mind it all happened within a few minutes because before I know it I was calling the nurse again.. the pressure was too much and I was very very very uncomfortable... when she again checked.. I was ready to push... but... doctor was not there yet... it was 7.30am... Gulp!...
they gave my the gas to help me through (I didn't feel the difference.. what is wrong with me??)

I managed to keep the urge to push in for 20mins until the doctor walked in the door... and I was soooo relieved to hear her voice.. and with just a slight push... my baby boy was born 7.51am... 3.202kg... :)

When they placed him on my tummy... all wet and gooey.. I thought nothing looked as beautiful and holding him close to me felt just so wonderful... hehehe Alhamdulillah.. my baby was here, healthy and beautiful...

Hurt

Sometimes you stay quiet... not really from a lack of things you wanted to say... but mostly because there is just so much to say that you don't know where to start...

A hurt can be a sudden slash of feelings... so great and deep, that it cuts through all layers and paralyses you... but there's also that chaffing hurt... that starts with a discomfort and it's such a small matter you ignore it until u realise that you're slowly bleeding from a cut that is too painful to ignore anymore...

But there's another softer hurt... just little jabs... it doesn't cut... it doesn't chaff continuously... but it sinks into you... until it becomes apart of you... you live with it... sometimes it appears and reminds you it's there... maybe during one of those stormy nights and your bones just aches... then it goes away... or more like you close your eyes and pretend that it's ok... and it works... just for a little while...

So no... quietness doesn't mean calmness and comfort... sometimes it means an inner struggle, trying to keep sane in a storm of emotion that is just too much to bear.

It's not so simple...

There are definitely different parenting styles and each parent has their own opinions or priorities... hard to say which is better because each has their own reasons and each child is different too... I mean I can't say what works for my Jellybean to actually work for my nephews or niece right?

But are we right in what we think we're right?? Hmm... good question huh?

Like me for example... I often watch my baby girl on CCTV... am just one of those souls who can't sit still unless I can see with my own eyes that my baby is well and looked after.. hehehe and it really irks me if I see my maid doing other things like.. oh I don't know... whatever it is she thinks she needs to do that is so urgent she had to leave my toddler walking aimlessly in her playroom or looking bored and just lying there in the living room. That will often get a call from me with some specific instructions on how to get my baby playing with some crayons or blocks and what not...

As she is growing to almost 3 however, I do notice how she likes attention and the fact that I seldom see her imaginatively play on her own... seldom not like never... but it does bother me... and it makes me think... am I coddling her too much? Making sure her needs are always met by her caretaker makes her lazy to just be independent in her play time? It's a question worth exploring...

But I also see others who put important stock in their maids doing other work during the day... and letting the child be... now is THAT the answer? I don't know... it doesn't really sit well with me... I guess I'm scared that by doing that and me not being at home, leaves my child to the mercy of others... like what if the maid just ends up ignoring my baby the whole day? It's not really that healthy right to leave the child be the whole time alone?

Well... we are always learning... and I guess it comes to a compromise in some things... it is a thing I will be definitely thinking about... and that is why I am considering sending her to school next year... just so that her mornings are filled with some activities that helps her to grow as an individual and socially adapt to others... we'll see...  :)

Something that used to be...

Do you have something that you once used to do... like in a way it is a part of you... that now... as an older adult you realise somehow you don't do anymore?

Well... I used to spend my 'me' time in my room... blasting out all sort of music and dance my heart out... hahah and when I say my heart meaning literally move to my own beat skills or no skills (more like no skills  :P  ) I would sing too... and pretend my voice was ohhh soooo good... hahahah (I don't know why in my head I used to think that a closed door means no one else can listen to me singing... ahhhh a young heart). What kind of songs would I dance to? Hmm... all sorts... classic Disney songs (menari ballet lah kan..hahahah) and then popular upbeat music... and honestly I would have the time of my life... That was my moment... my private moment.

As you grow older... reality sets in deeper... you do things that 'make sense'? I mean jumping around to the beat of Aladdin or jiggle your way pretending to be one of the Pussycat Dolls doesn't quite make sense when you're expected to do some much needed laundry and put your baby to sleep... or God forbid if you forgot to make sure groceries are in for the week before you start work on Monday.

But your baby..... the one whom you would gladly give up anything for has a knack of reminding you a part of your self that you may have ... for a little while forgot... for me... it was the pure joy of just 'dancing'... hehehe how? By me watching her dance... she doesn't move in the conventional way... hips or tapping toes to the beat of the music... no... that's too mundane for my beautiful princess.. she dances with her heart... she jumps and twirls... and have her hands flying about... and I can see the pure joy in her eyes... :)

She dances with passion... and she loves music... and when she starts moving... heheheh well.. you gotta see it... hehehe..

Well what I wanted to write out for today is that throughout time you find that you sometimes tend to lose yourself... you feel life is just a plateau of the same thing and you wonder... how? when? But I guess maybe it's about finding oneself again against time... and doing things that we love or rediscover that thing you love that makes you happy and free you to accept the part of life that tends to bring you down. Does this mean I should start dancing again?? Hahaha... well that is a funny thought... if I do... this time I would have a lovely partner... my sweet Jellybean... :)

My Wish...

This is her cheekiest expression... :) *love*

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I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

This is my wish
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big 

-My Wish by Rascal Flatts-

Sickness that follows the happiness...

Well, pregnancy is a joy to my heart... but the sickness that comes with it... well... that is the most trying part of all. I am now 14 weeks pregnant and I have been officially 'sick' since I hit 6th week.

I must say that it has been a little better... a little... *sigh*.... but sometimes... like today... I do just feel... like crying.... :(   curling up on bed by myself... and just cry and cry and cry...

Because of this awful taste in my mouth since I woke up that will not go away... my lack of appetite that will also be my undoing since it will cause me to throw up in a bit... perut dah kosong... kluar stomach asid je lah... but I don't feel like eating and whatever I managed to put in today dah pun kluar... it's one of those days... sigh...

Drinking wise... now I can seem to only drink coke... I know... I know... that's bad! But before this I could take soya... but now... it leaves a susu basi taste in my mouth for the longest time... I do force myself though to drink it now and then... mostly before I go to sleep since I can better keep it in.

I remember when I was carrying Shiya the sickness was bad too... I remember crying in the office bathroom and actually taking a 5 min nap in the office bathroom! Hahahaha... I don't do that anymore... well... the nap part... crying still happens at the oddest moments. But I don't remember it being this hard to cope with. Maybe because I'm also highly sensitive with this pregnancy... easy to tear up... I'm also a lot gassier... meaning if I don't eat... or drink too much of bubbles..wow... my stomach would feel like it was about to explode...

So... that's life right now... day in...day out... sick sick sick... the only pleasure I find is watching my Shiya and her funny antics around the house... hehehehe wish I can list down all those things just so I won't ever forget it...

I wish I was home right now... so that I can give her a tight hug... because honestly, mummy needs it so much... my forever sunshine... :(