My Wish...

This is her cheekiest expression... :) *love*

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I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

This is my wish
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big 

-My Wish by Rascal Flatts-

Sickness that follows the happiness...

Well, pregnancy is a joy to my heart... but the sickness that comes with it... well... that is the most trying part of all. I am now 14 weeks pregnant and I have been officially 'sick' since I hit 6th week.

I must say that it has been a little better... a little... *sigh*.... but sometimes... like today... I do just feel... like crying.... :(   curling up on bed by myself... and just cry and cry and cry...

Because of this awful taste in my mouth since I woke up that will not go away... my lack of appetite that will also be my undoing since it will cause me to throw up in a bit... perut dah kosong... kluar stomach asid je lah... but I don't feel like eating and whatever I managed to put in today dah pun kluar... it's one of those days... sigh...

Drinking wise... now I can seem to only drink coke... I know... I know... that's bad! But before this I could take soya... but now... it leaves a susu basi taste in my mouth for the longest time... I do force myself though to drink it now and then... mostly before I go to sleep since I can better keep it in.

I remember when I was carrying Shiya the sickness was bad too... I remember crying in the office bathroom and actually taking a 5 min nap in the office bathroom! Hahahaha... I don't do that anymore... well... the nap part... crying still happens at the oddest moments. But I don't remember it being this hard to cope with. Maybe because I'm also highly sensitive with this pregnancy... easy to tear up... I'm also a lot gassier... meaning if I don't eat... or drink too much of bubbles..wow... my stomach would feel like it was about to explode...

So... that's life right now... day in...day out... sick sick sick... the only pleasure I find is watching my Shiya and her funny antics around the house... hehehehe wish I can list down all those things just so I won't ever forget it...

I wish I was home right now... so that I can give her a tight hug... because honestly, mummy needs it so much... my forever sunshine... :(

Struggle

I think that I could stare into my baby's face and admire her all day long... hug her all day and all night... SHe is growing up so fast... and so wonderfully that everyday there is just something new SHE is teaching me or showing me... Her needs right now is so huge that I find myself struggling to meet it... I honestly do not know how other mother's of multiple babies do it... hehehe... meeting the demands of all their babies when just trying to be there always for my baby is a challenge.

Why a challenge? Hehehe... ok lah maybe exaggerate lah on that...

June came in this year that put in a lot of unplanned changes whirled me into a territory that I was unprepared for. Some of it great... some of it.... well not exactly the best moments of my life.

For starters... on 15 June 2013... I woke up at 7am.. and I don't know why except that I have been feeling different lately... I decided to do a pregnancy test... heheheh and Alhamdulillah... it was positive! I was pregnant...  :) Just to be sure, I took another test an hour later and yes, it was positive. I was soooo happy and excited. Our 2nd miracle was here... *big grin* I still remember the scan when I was 7 weeks pregnant (when I found out I was 5 weeks pregnant) and saw baby2's heart beat... flip flop, flip flop... the most wonderful gift ever.

Unfortunately it's also that month that my maid had decided to bail out on us... she went back to her hometown and never came back. Ohhhhh sakitnye hati...! I mean she could have told us that she was going for good. I would have never forced her to stay... in fact she was the one who said she wanted to continue for another year... With her stunt, we ended up having to move back in with my parents since my leave was over and I couldn't imagine sending Jellybean to a nursery. I just can't... too sad imagining her in a room crowded with other kids that she doesn't know. So now she's spending time at my sis's house while I am at work. It's working ok... I guess... sigh...

After having a maid for so long.. I must tell you, it is a struggle to maintain a good household and make sure things run smoothly. I mean I was doing fine at first... but once I hit the 6 weeks pregnancy stage... morning sickness found me... and I can no longer function properly... How do other mother's do it? The saddest moment was when I was just lying there... lifeless and nauseous... I saw my baby... just sitting next to me... holding her towel... totally bored... That was a low point... knowing that I don't have the energy to run around after her or even engage her in some fun activities because all I feel like doing was throwing up... or end up falling asleep...

She has slowly forgotten her 'kakak'.. she used to call out to her kakak when she sleeps... and everytime she does that it makes me want to cry.. and I get so angry.. but Alhamdulillah... children recover quickly and she doesn't seem to care anymore. She used to also cling to me and refuse to go out with anyone if I don't follow. So it was a bit hard since I can't go out due to my bad morning sickness... but after 2 months of mummy is boring... she is excited whenever she hears anyone going out the door... starts to look for her shoes... saying goodbye to mummy pun tak pandang... just waves and off she goes. Yes am glad... but the clingy mummy in me is kinda sad... (call it pregnancy hormones) and I must say that there are times I do cry silently when she isn't around and having fun out and about.

It helps though when she's back the first person she looks for is me.. and starts to hug and kiss me... like my own kitty cat... heheheh mummy's manja kitty cat...

Well, that's me right now... struggling... trying to maintain some semblance of normal in my life when in the last 2 months there has been so many changes that I've lost count what is where and what is what... I live in constant nausea and guilt... But life is life.. and I am trying my best. I am trying to be and stay strong... not only for my baby2 that is growing in me.. but also for my Jellybean... who needs me too...

As I usually whisper to her at night... mummy's sorry baby... mummy's trying... mummy will try harder... promise....

Hello Life.

How do people live with a lie for years and years and years...? Never once showing that they care or even aware of what's happening around them?

Yea.. for those who is living their dream this might be a befuddling question.

But having lived through 30 years of imperfections (don't get me wrong, my life is better than most and with more opportunities and good fortune for which I am grateful for) I can see how someone can actually do live within a lie. Why the lie? Perhaps because of a strength of love... or perhaps it is a lack of courage... perhaps it's a little of both.

Then again perhaps it is in our nature to be where we are most comfortable.. a safe haven that we have known all our life, even if that haven can turn into a pressure cooker faster than you can blink. I must agree that in some situation (who am I kidding, most situation) it is easier to take a deep breath... close our eyes... and just pretend we didn't hear it... we didn't see it... it is easier to convince ourselves that it's better for everyone if we become blind and deaf... the negative part? We enable that other someone to do further damage... if not to yourself... then to themselves or those closest to you. But why do we still do it...again and again... and again...

Now that is a question that I've been struggling with myself for some time now. My reason? All I can think of is for the sake of harmony. Is it better this way? I don't know... But perhaps if you have seen and been through some of the times in my life you would better understand of how important harmony is. Wish it was different? Sure... Wish that there was more in the equation? Of course. But sometimes when you lose something, it is not always easy to find your way across to that place where you were before... whose fault is that? Does it matter? I don't think so. You grieve for what could have been and feel sorry for the lost... but you let it go because there is no point in further hurting... especially when they don't understand in the first place. You can't change a person when they don't want to.. and you certainly can't make someone do something and mean it at the same time...

It's almost here...

It's count down for me... 2 more days till my long holiday... yeah, getting a taste of what it's like to be a home maker...hehehe

For the first 2 weeks I will be a little busy... what with getting my Project 01 and Project 02 to move in the right direction... and Project 03 to start... hahahah yes.... turning 30 has opened my eyes and my heart to a little bit more courage to pursue the things that matter most to me.

It's ok people... I am scared and I am feeling the pinch... working for almost 4 years... getting a steady income that has been rising slightly there and here... to suddenly getting nil next month (on unpaid leave for 5 weeks)... wow... you can't believe how the panic suddenly hit me one night and I actually feel suffocated.

All this while I can go shopping/grocery shopping/toys & clothes browsing without much thought... now suddenly I have to weigh each and every want/need to ... 'do I really need this'... 'do we really use this thing at home'... Mr. Hubby is happy though... imagine our weekly spending on groceries have actually dropped 50%! Boy, you never how much you're actually wasting till you need to save... tsk tsk....

These 2 months of no salary is gonna be a challenge I tell you... I almost just panic into saying I can't do this... but hey... with my sweet baby smiling and asking me to play with her each night, I find the courage to stay on my current path... Insyallah... we will be guided...  :) 

Connection with my Toddler

Weekends really fly past us... I mean you wait all for 5 days to get there.. and the next thing you know... it's Monday and the weekend is over... tskkkk

Last weekend we had a busy schedule... we went to Jakel for my clothing project and there, my sweetie pie Shiya had one of her meltdowns... I guess the heat... no attention from me and just the huge crowd (sale, what else)...was just too much for her to handle...

I must say I had to bodily carry her to the car... wriggling and screaming... and proceeded to watch her crying and throwing a fit all of near 20 mins... I actually lost my temper and it took quite an effort to reign it all in...

But along the craziness... I remember what Dr. Markham commented in her book "Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids"... how she was just too overwhelmed and her shrieks are actually a way of her reaching out for comfort or help.... so I tried my best to control my feelings and used a calmer and soothing voice... I didn't ask her to stop crying... but instead assured her I understand... and kissed her... the tears tapered out... and she looked at me with a cute pout and kept calling out to me in her manja voice... heheheh it sorta worked I guess... because from there we connected in a way... I knew that she wanted my reassurance that everything is ok... and she wanted me to make whatever that was bothering her go away.. namely her shoe that was missing the cat thingy... chewed gum just to stick it back on... gave her some ribena goodness... and turned on her ipad to show her favourite pororo...

I read a little today on how when you encounter a defiant nature in your child that it is a mark of a relationship problem.... and yes, I have that problem since she turned 2... I can see it in her stance and her eyes whenever we would come to a stand still .. or a battle of wills from lack of better words to appropriately surmise the situation...

It's a shocker of how accurate the book seems to get it... and how off mark I was in regards on how to handle my toddler... punishment is not the way... gentle understanding is supposedly the best remedy... ahhh... some parts of me are so confused really... but I did note on her disconnection with me whenever I would get mad at some situations... I think it's all about balance... and compromise... and like the book said.... connection...

One interesting part is it asks us ... how many times did we connect in the past 2 days... I would say a few times... though not nearly enough...

Another is... name 2 things to connect that we can do today...

And lastly... to look back on the few times that we were distracted and how to improve on that so that we could connect better....

Well who said we needed to stop learning when we are older... there's always something new to learn...

Will try the few things that the book suggests and try to deepen my connection with my Jellybean... Can't wait for 11th May... Did I mention before? That's when my unpaid leave starts... and my loooong overdue 'summer' with my sweetheart...

;)

Parenting Skills 101

I am currently reading a great parenting book... the title really caught my attention.. "Peaceful Parent, HAPPY KIDS" by Dr Laura Markham.

Well I haven't finished reading it yet, but the first part was great... it's on regulating ourselves as parents...Just to share a note on her 10 rules to raise terrific kids...
1. the most important parenting skills
  - to take care of ourselves so that we don't vent on our kids
     (am guilty of this sometimes... especially when I am in one of my not so good moods or is a little irritated
      with situations that isn't even related to Shiya... I find that my tempee gets the best of me...  :(  )

2. the most important parenting commitment: to always be there for your child/ren
   - it's important to let them know that you will always, always have their back no matter what
   - to respond to what she needs and not you think she needs [this is so true]

3. the most important parenting secret: discipline doesn't work
   - instead of punishment, set and guide limits on behaviour
     (I usually impose timeouts... and it works... but now I am just wondering if I'm teaching her control or
     inhibiting her natural responses to trauma/anger/upset   :(    )

4. what kids need that no one tells you: a safe place to express feelings while you 'listen'

5. what your child wishes you understood: she's just a kid trying as hard as she can

6. The most useful mantra: don't take it personally
     - no one wins a power struggle and not to insist on being right

7. what to remember when the time gets hard: all misbehavior comes from basic needs that are not met

8. the best parenting expert - you child

9. the constant: change

10. what matters most: stay connected and never withdraw your love even for a moment

haaa... I had actually written a longer version.. but lost in the publish and save process *sigh*

Anyhow the pointers a good to remember... especially when the book talks about how our anger sometimes stems from our deep set fear in ourselves... in other words... our childhood that shaped us... so we can react in 2 manner... towards fear (anger & punishment)... or towards love (empathy & guidance).... always, always choose love....