Something that used to be...

Do you have something that you once used to do... like in a way it is a part of you... that now... as an older adult you realise somehow you don't do anymore?

Well... I used to spend my 'me' time in my room... blasting out all sort of music and dance my heart out... hahah and when I say my heart meaning literally move to my own beat skills or no skills (more like no skills  :P  ) I would sing too... and pretend my voice was ohhh soooo good... hahahah (I don't know why in my head I used to think that a closed door means no one else can listen to me singing... ahhhh a young heart). What kind of songs would I dance to? Hmm... all sorts... classic Disney songs (menari ballet lah kan..hahahah) and then popular upbeat music... and honestly I would have the time of my life... That was my moment... my private moment.

As you grow older... reality sets in deeper... you do things that 'make sense'? I mean jumping around to the beat of Aladdin or jiggle your way pretending to be one of the Pussycat Dolls doesn't quite make sense when you're expected to do some much needed laundry and put your baby to sleep... or God forbid if you forgot to make sure groceries are in for the week before you start work on Monday.

But your baby..... the one whom you would gladly give up anything for has a knack of reminding you a part of your self that you may have ... for a little while forgot... for me... it was the pure joy of just 'dancing'... hehehe how? By me watching her dance... she doesn't move in the conventional way... hips or tapping toes to the beat of the music... no... that's too mundane for my beautiful princess.. she dances with her heart... she jumps and twirls... and have her hands flying about... and I can see the pure joy in her eyes... :)

She dances with passion... and she loves music... and when she starts moving... heheheh well.. you gotta see it... hehehe..

Well what I wanted to write out for today is that throughout time you find that you sometimes tend to lose yourself... you feel life is just a plateau of the same thing and you wonder... how? when? But I guess maybe it's about finding oneself again against time... and doing things that we love or rediscover that thing you love that makes you happy and free you to accept the part of life that tends to bring you down. Does this mean I should start dancing again?? Hahaha... well that is a funny thought... if I do... this time I would have a lovely partner... my sweet Jellybean... :)

My Wish...

This is her cheekiest expression... :) *love*

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I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

This is my wish
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big 

-My Wish by Rascal Flatts-

Sickness that follows the happiness...

Well, pregnancy is a joy to my heart... but the sickness that comes with it... well... that is the most trying part of all. I am now 14 weeks pregnant and I have been officially 'sick' since I hit 6th week.

I must say that it has been a little better... a little... *sigh*.... but sometimes... like today... I do just feel... like crying.... :(   curling up on bed by myself... and just cry and cry and cry...

Because of this awful taste in my mouth since I woke up that will not go away... my lack of appetite that will also be my undoing since it will cause me to throw up in a bit... perut dah kosong... kluar stomach asid je lah... but I don't feel like eating and whatever I managed to put in today dah pun kluar... it's one of those days... sigh...

Drinking wise... now I can seem to only drink coke... I know... I know... that's bad! But before this I could take soya... but now... it leaves a susu basi taste in my mouth for the longest time... I do force myself though to drink it now and then... mostly before I go to sleep since I can better keep it in.

I remember when I was carrying Shiya the sickness was bad too... I remember crying in the office bathroom and actually taking a 5 min nap in the office bathroom! Hahahaha... I don't do that anymore... well... the nap part... crying still happens at the oddest moments. But I don't remember it being this hard to cope with. Maybe because I'm also highly sensitive with this pregnancy... easy to tear up... I'm also a lot gassier... meaning if I don't eat... or drink too much of bubbles..wow... my stomach would feel like it was about to explode...

So... that's life right now... day in...day out... sick sick sick... the only pleasure I find is watching my Shiya and her funny antics around the house... hehehehe wish I can list down all those things just so I won't ever forget it...

I wish I was home right now... so that I can give her a tight hug... because honestly, mummy needs it so much... my forever sunshine... :(

Struggle

I think that I could stare into my baby's face and admire her all day long... hug her all day and all night... SHe is growing up so fast... and so wonderfully that everyday there is just something new SHE is teaching me or showing me... Her needs right now is so huge that I find myself struggling to meet it... I honestly do not know how other mother's of multiple babies do it... hehehe... meeting the demands of all their babies when just trying to be there always for my baby is a challenge.

Why a challenge? Hehehe... ok lah maybe exaggerate lah on that...

June came in this year that put in a lot of unplanned changes whirled me into a territory that I was unprepared for. Some of it great... some of it.... well not exactly the best moments of my life.

For starters... on 15 June 2013... I woke up at 7am.. and I don't know why except that I have been feeling different lately... I decided to do a pregnancy test... heheheh and Alhamdulillah... it was positive! I was pregnant...  :) Just to be sure, I took another test an hour later and yes, it was positive. I was soooo happy and excited. Our 2nd miracle was here... *big grin* I still remember the scan when I was 7 weeks pregnant (when I found out I was 5 weeks pregnant) and saw baby2's heart beat... flip flop, flip flop... the most wonderful gift ever.

Unfortunately it's also that month that my maid had decided to bail out on us... she went back to her hometown and never came back. Ohhhhh sakitnye hati...! I mean she could have told us that she was going for good. I would have never forced her to stay... in fact she was the one who said she wanted to continue for another year... With her stunt, we ended up having to move back in with my parents since my leave was over and I couldn't imagine sending Jellybean to a nursery. I just can't... too sad imagining her in a room crowded with other kids that she doesn't know. So now she's spending time at my sis's house while I am at work. It's working ok... I guess... sigh...

After having a maid for so long.. I must tell you, it is a struggle to maintain a good household and make sure things run smoothly. I mean I was doing fine at first... but once I hit the 6 weeks pregnancy stage... morning sickness found me... and I can no longer function properly... How do other mother's do it? The saddest moment was when I was just lying there... lifeless and nauseous... I saw my baby... just sitting next to me... holding her towel... totally bored... That was a low point... knowing that I don't have the energy to run around after her or even engage her in some fun activities because all I feel like doing was throwing up... or end up falling asleep...

She has slowly forgotten her 'kakak'.. she used to call out to her kakak when she sleeps... and everytime she does that it makes me want to cry.. and I get so angry.. but Alhamdulillah... children recover quickly and she doesn't seem to care anymore. She used to also cling to me and refuse to go out with anyone if I don't follow. So it was a bit hard since I can't go out due to my bad morning sickness... but after 2 months of mummy is boring... she is excited whenever she hears anyone going out the door... starts to look for her shoes... saying goodbye to mummy pun tak pandang... just waves and off she goes. Yes am glad... but the clingy mummy in me is kinda sad... (call it pregnancy hormones) and I must say that there are times I do cry silently when she isn't around and having fun out and about.

It helps though when she's back the first person she looks for is me.. and starts to hug and kiss me... like my own kitty cat... heheheh mummy's manja kitty cat...

Well, that's me right now... struggling... trying to maintain some semblance of normal in my life when in the last 2 months there has been so many changes that I've lost count what is where and what is what... I live in constant nausea and guilt... But life is life.. and I am trying my best. I am trying to be and stay strong... not only for my baby2 that is growing in me.. but also for my Jellybean... who needs me too...

As I usually whisper to her at night... mummy's sorry baby... mummy's trying... mummy will try harder... promise....

Hello Life.

How do people live with a lie for years and years and years...? Never once showing that they care or even aware of what's happening around them?

Yea.. for those who is living their dream this might be a befuddling question.

But having lived through 30 years of imperfections (don't get me wrong, my life is better than most and with more opportunities and good fortune for which I am grateful for) I can see how someone can actually do live within a lie. Why the lie? Perhaps because of a strength of love... or perhaps it is a lack of courage... perhaps it's a little of both.

Then again perhaps it is in our nature to be where we are most comfortable.. a safe haven that we have known all our life, even if that haven can turn into a pressure cooker faster than you can blink. I must agree that in some situation (who am I kidding, most situation) it is easier to take a deep breath... close our eyes... and just pretend we didn't hear it... we didn't see it... it is easier to convince ourselves that it's better for everyone if we become blind and deaf... the negative part? We enable that other someone to do further damage... if not to yourself... then to themselves or those closest to you. But why do we still do it...again and again... and again...

Now that is a question that I've been struggling with myself for some time now. My reason? All I can think of is for the sake of harmony. Is it better this way? I don't know... But perhaps if you have seen and been through some of the times in my life you would better understand of how important harmony is. Wish it was different? Sure... Wish that there was more in the equation? Of course. But sometimes when you lose something, it is not always easy to find your way across to that place where you were before... whose fault is that? Does it matter? I don't think so. You grieve for what could have been and feel sorry for the lost... but you let it go because there is no point in further hurting... especially when they don't understand in the first place. You can't change a person when they don't want to.. and you certainly can't make someone do something and mean it at the same time...