And so the dilemma begins...

Every mother would wish to breastfeed their child... the benefits are numerous...I won't bother writing it down as I am sure everyone knows how healthy and important a mum's milk is to their child, especially for the first 6 months when that is all they consume... milky, milky and more milky  :) in fact all the products in the market right now will not come close to what a mum can offer to her child...

But some are just not as lucky as others who has an abundance of milk until they don't quite know what to do with it...hehehe... I have a met a few at the office and some through mutual friends who has no problem giving direct or even through bottle (expressing the milk and storing). Everytime I see their full bottle, I'd be a little (or maybe a lot??) jealous... looking at my diminishing quantity does not help. Hehehe... and so comes the dilemma that I am sure some if not a lot of working mum goes through... should I continue and forge on ahead full speed (albeit low supply) and try to increase this meagre supper of my child or should I just be happy that she has received some milk for the past 3 months and 3 weeks, and stop expressing.

My mind is a swing from yes to no all for 2 weeks now. Sometimes I would be notty only express once a day (used to be 4 times a day). Total daily supply has dropped from 15oz to 12 oz...10 oz...6 oz... and now barely 3 oz... sad huh..? The drop is most probably due to the lack of discipline in my pumping time and the stress that I feel inside... at night? Well, sleepiness doesn't help to stimulate the mind to produce more.

But regardless of what I say, I must admit that the milk is still there. Even now when I am expressing only once a day I still get 3 oz... and even a little is good for my baby right? Fighting with one's conscience is troublesome and mind numbing  :P  

And I still can't answer my question... should I stop? Or better yet... can I?

Breastfeeding and work

It's sad when I see how shoddy this 'mother's room' is... first off, there's only 1 power outlet.. One?! In a company this huge, obviously there are a number of mummies in need of this facility..shouldn't there be at least a few? The room is also located near the pantry n toilet, where all (inc men) walk about.. It's really nerve wrecking sitting here and I hold my breath everytime I hear foot steps..

The saddest part is of course the room itself... I must say... NOT PRETTY! I feel like a runaway stuck in an iffy and cramped closet, hiding from the world. Chairs that doesn't look very clean.. Not even placed properly but looked as though it's squeezed in as an afterthought... Sigh...

Definite eye sore...

Need anymore proof of what the big heads feel about working mums...?

Pumping Business

Where was I? Yes, my new relationship with the breast pump. It started out as a way to ease my engorged breasts on the 5th day. Seeing the yummy goodness full of milk and colostrum (the color was yellowish milk almost like jagung soya drink   :P  ), I felt it would be a waste to just throw it away. So what else...? I gave the expressed milk in a bottle. Shiya drank it up with joy. Being a new mummy there's nothing else that warms your heart quite as much as seeing your child happy and contented... even if it is just a bottle of milky that wasn't even 2 ounces :P

At this point, as a result of improper latching, I had cracked nips and being the ever pampered me... decided that I should express my milk while I heal...hmmm.... bad idea actually... especially if your child is still not latching or suckling properly yet... 5th day is waaaayyy too early to start them on a bottle. I was oblivious though... or maybe chose to be oblivious as it seemed to make sense to express... my baby was happy and isn't that all that matters?

Another note to self... if you're breast feeding and the supply seem to be low after a couple of days... keep some supplements (formula) ready... tsk tsk... 6th night proved a trial when Shiya woke up at night for some milk... and there just wasn't enough! I tried to direct feed... didn't help as she was hungry and frustrated at getting nothing not to mention just trying to latch was already a major effort on her part... I practically spent the whole night trying to express any milk and what I got just wasn't enough. Shops were closed of course. By 6 am I felt super frustrated and sad for my baby who was still hungry. She eventually settled down when we were able to provide her with some formula milk... and me? Well since then I have been busy pumping away trying to make sure that there's always a healthy supply for my baby.

Alhamdulillah... after a couple of days, the supply jumped up and I was able to express from 2 ounces to 4 ounces and eventually 6-7 ounces per session. I have even started storing my milky in the fridge and freezer. The problem with storing milk though is that you're never really sure how fresh they are and even if you're confident that it's good... you'll start to wonder if the nutrients are still there after you've warmed it up. Reading books only helps so much as they talk about 2 things... direct breast feeding or bottle feeding with formula.... they never really expand on bottle feeding with breast milk. Sigh... the life of a mummy definitely includes infinite worries for her little one. So far I have noticed that Shiya is contented, dirtying her diapers well and looks chubbier... so I can safely say that she seems to be growing well...I guess the milky is good then? I certainly hope so... :)

There are some who has pressured me to direct feed as the longer Shiya uses the bottle, the more she'll reject the idea of direct feeding... and so I have been trying... though I must admit that it's half hearted on my part... Partly due  to the battle that we have to go through to get a proper latching... she seems so happy with the arrangement now. After all... a lot of babies are bottle fed and they seem to be growing well and happy. Hmm... the jury is still out on this one. The most important part is that I don't want to be stressed out as I find that my milk supply seems to depend on my moods... it gets lower when I'm stressed out or too tired. So for now, I am just happy expressing and providing milky milky for my sweet Shiya. Don't get me wrong... I am trying still for direct feeding... :)

Well... that's all for now on this pumping business... *yawn* gotta get some rest before Shiya wakes up for her next meal... hopefully she'll drink her milky and falls right back to lala land... nite nite!  :)

Breastfeeding

During my 9 months of pregnancy decisions were already made in my mind... to exclusively breastfeed my baby for as long as my supply would let me...and so started the journey (or at least an attempt at it) to eat well and drink well to ensure that my supply would be good and abundant. This meant taking a lot of water and soy bean... sometimes even milk.

I was sad when I find it impossible to keep milk (and sometimes any type of food/water) in. I guess I am one of those people who just has bad morning sickness... after throwing up milk one day... I just couldn't drink the once loved drink again. So whenever my stomach could take it, I would drink soy bean. Eventually though toward the end of my 3rd trimester I was able and even crave for chocolate milk. So whenever the mood strikes, I would drink loads of this and also orange juice (which someone also told me would help with breast milk - though I'm not sure how true that is).

Nyhow, I remember the special moment I shared with my daughter... it was a few minutes after I've given birth. She was placed next to me and I learned how to breastfeed her. The feeling was so wonderful! This activity that can only be shared between the 2 of us... Even before then I was deeply in love with her... but with that single act the thought of being a mummy to this little cutey pie sank in and my protective instinct came to life. All I want to do from then on was to be with her and just have her in my arms.

Of course there was no milk from me yet... but I could tell by on the 2nd day that I had colostrum, the liquid gold as the books called it that is essential for all babies...  everytime my baby wakes up from her nap I would try and breastfeed her... though early on I could already see a problem forming. Shiya can't really latch on well... and this serves as a problem as we needed some stimulation to get the production started for my breast milk. I was very sad when Shiya had to be taken to the nursery on the 3rd morning due to high level of jaundice. :(   I seriously felt like crying since even after only 2 days... I was already so attached to her and not seeing her next to me was really hard.

I got to see her every few hours or so when they would call me to the nursery to try and feed her. It was a bit hard due to the latching issue and also the stress I felt on my part. I was stressed as the well meaning nurses would constantly check on me and try to direct my efforts to get Shiya to latch properly. Though I know a rational person would listen carefully and follow instructions, I just felt unreasonably irritated and stressed to the point of dreading seeing a nurse whenever I was there. Call it the aftermath of pregnancy hormones gone crazy. The lack of milk and successful feeding was making me feel guilty, a little anxious and sad.

Then came the day we could finally take her home on the 5th day. Boy was I  excited. Finally uninterrupted Shiya time. :D That was also the day that I woke up with engorged breasts. It hurt so much that I almost cried. With the help from a super nice nurse we heated a heating pad to soften the hard lumps and she showed me to massage the lumps to get it to release the milk. Then she also helped me to pump the milk easing off some of the tension for the next feeding... and thus my relationship with breast pump began...  :P

To be continued...  ;)

That First Week

It has been a wonderful 10 days with my baby. We were in the hospital for quite awhile (5 days & 4 nights) since baby was admitted for jaundice. The last 2 nights was lonely since baby had to stay in the nursery where they could keep her under photo therapy. But it helped that I got to see and touch her almost every 3-5 hours during feeding tine.

Besides adjusting to your baby's needs I must admit that one of the most challenging part of motherhood is breast feeding. I envy all mothers who can do it so naturally and their supply comes in such abundance. As for me it's a daily struggle just to get the right amount for my baby. This is even more stressful in the hospital! The nurses, though they were trying to be helpful, made me feel incompetent and stressed about my baby's inability to latch properly. Feeding time that was supposed to be a moment of bonding between me and my baby was spoiled by their constant interference. Alhamdulillah baby's jaundice was better on the 5th day and we made the long awaited journey home :)

I know mothers say this all the time about their children, but honestly my beloved baby is such an angel. She's so sweet and wonderful... Though of course there's the normal cries at night for milky2... But other than that she falls right back to sleep. Hehehe... At least that's the pattern for this first week :p we'll see again in a couple of weeks!

I love watching the myriad of expressions that runs across her face through out the day and could stare at her for hours when she's quietly sleeping by my side. Yes, I'm a pro on babies sleeping in a proper cot, but right now (maybe never?) I just can't be far away from my baby. I always want her by my side.

Today was her follow up visit for her jaundice. I was so scared they might admit her back in. Every time I think about it put tears in my eyes... But it's green light for my sweetheart! Yeay! :D

Baby is now 3.3kg, 50cm tall with hc of 33 at 10 days old.. :)