Struggle

I think that I could stare into my baby's face and admire her all day long... hug her all day and all night... SHe is growing up so fast... and so wonderfully that everyday there is just something new SHE is teaching me or showing me... Her needs right now is so huge that I find myself struggling to meet it... I honestly do not know how other mother's of multiple babies do it... hehehe... meeting the demands of all their babies when just trying to be there always for my baby is a challenge.

Why a challenge? Hehehe... ok lah maybe exaggerate lah on that...

June came in this year that put in a lot of unplanned changes whirled me into a territory that I was unprepared for. Some of it great... some of it.... well not exactly the best moments of my life.

For starters... on 15 June 2013... I woke up at 7am.. and I don't know why except that I have been feeling different lately... I decided to do a pregnancy test... heheheh and Alhamdulillah... it was positive! I was pregnant...  :) Just to be sure, I took another test an hour later and yes, it was positive. I was soooo happy and excited. Our 2nd miracle was here... *big grin* I still remember the scan when I was 7 weeks pregnant (when I found out I was 5 weeks pregnant) and saw baby2's heart beat... flip flop, flip flop... the most wonderful gift ever.

Unfortunately it's also that month that my maid had decided to bail out on us... she went back to her hometown and never came back. Ohhhhh sakitnye hati...! I mean she could have told us that she was going for good. I would have never forced her to stay... in fact she was the one who said she wanted to continue for another year... With her stunt, we ended up having to move back in with my parents since my leave was over and I couldn't imagine sending Jellybean to a nursery. I just can't... too sad imagining her in a room crowded with other kids that she doesn't know. So now she's spending time at my sis's house while I am at work. It's working ok... I guess... sigh...

After having a maid for so long.. I must tell you, it is a struggle to maintain a good household and make sure things run smoothly. I mean I was doing fine at first... but once I hit the 6 weeks pregnancy stage... morning sickness found me... and I can no longer function properly... How do other mother's do it? The saddest moment was when I was just lying there... lifeless and nauseous... I saw my baby... just sitting next to me... holding her towel... totally bored... That was a low point... knowing that I don't have the energy to run around after her or even engage her in some fun activities because all I feel like doing was throwing up... or end up falling asleep...

She has slowly forgotten her 'kakak'.. she used to call out to her kakak when she sleeps... and everytime she does that it makes me want to cry.. and I get so angry.. but Alhamdulillah... children recover quickly and she doesn't seem to care anymore. She used to also cling to me and refuse to go out with anyone if I don't follow. So it was a bit hard since I can't go out due to my bad morning sickness... but after 2 months of mummy is boring... she is excited whenever she hears anyone going out the door... starts to look for her shoes... saying goodbye to mummy pun tak pandang... just waves and off she goes. Yes am glad... but the clingy mummy in me is kinda sad... (call it pregnancy hormones) and I must say that there are times I do cry silently when she isn't around and having fun out and about.

It helps though when she's back the first person she looks for is me.. and starts to hug and kiss me... like my own kitty cat... heheheh mummy's manja kitty cat...

Well, that's me right now... struggling... trying to maintain some semblance of normal in my life when in the last 2 months there has been so many changes that I've lost count what is where and what is what... I live in constant nausea and guilt... But life is life.. and I am trying my best. I am trying to be and stay strong... not only for my baby2 that is growing in me.. but also for my Jellybean... who needs me too...

As I usually whisper to her at night... mummy's sorry baby... mummy's trying... mummy will try harder... promise....