My dilemma...

When does a mother's dilemma begins? When it comes to dealing with your darling babies, I would think a lot contributes to what can be called a dilemma to all mothers... even to what diapers to buy... or what to wear... even what where and when to take out our babies becomes a contention at one time or another.

My current one that is causing a battle of feelings and emotions in me? The dilemma of leaving my baby behind to her caretaker.

Every night since her birth I am able, Alhamdulillah to take care of my baby... even if it's not me physically... it would be hubby dear who takes up the duty of the night watch... in that I am grateful that we are strong enough emotionally to withstand the trial of sleepy eyes and numb minds from much needed rest. I am also blessed to have a child who at 3 months+ have been sleeping peacefully for most parts of the night... sometimes at 10pm and only rousing from sleep for some milk at 6am... only now she's having problem staying asleep and would wake up once or twice during the night crying... though why this is happening I am not sure... though it could be from all her active playtime during the day that is causing this fussiness...

But as soon as it's around 7+... I have to hand over my sayang to her caretaker because I need to go to work... and I only get to see her late in the evening... and if I'm a little late... she is already asleep... (sometimes she would fall asleep at 8 or 9pm). So in total during the weekdays I get to see her and play with her, only around 2 hours a day... and those times are when she is sleepy or hungry angry... which doesn't help in the way of healthy bonding between us.

So I am sad that sometimes it seems obvious how she prefers her caretaker instead of me... or when she makes that movement to be picked up by her Kakak when she is in my arms... I am not sad at or with her... I am just sad at the situation... the climax I would say of my frustration is when she will not drink milk with me or even sleep when I try to sleep her at night... every moment is a battle of crying... when her kakak can do it in just a few minutes and with less crying... *sigh*

But I am learning one of the hardest lessons to be a mother... patience... acceptance... and of course... learning how to learn... everytime I am too tired and feel like giving up... I stop... just for little while... and try again... picking up a different tune... or even turning on the TV to distract her... just the other day I carried her for 2 hours... just to get her to sleep... all the while holding on to whatever energy I had left of the day... because I want to be the one she holds on to...

Acceptance.. that the situation (for now) is the way it is because it's for the best and sometimes others just do it better than me... and that doesn't change the fact that I love her the most and will forever be her mother...

And learning... learning to be better at what I do... learning how she likes to be held... learning how to teach her caretaker to take care of her the way I want her to be taken cared of... learning her little sounds and what it means... and sometimes just learning how to pacify her... most importantly... learning how to priorities my time and schedule to fit my life better in her world.....

Everyday is still a battle, but I love and cherish her every smile... her laughter... I'm getting there... slowly...